What is the Curse of the Competent Woman™?
The first question to address is, who is the competent woman? As of this writing I have interviewed over 30 women from various walks of life who are ‘blessed with the curse' and possess some similar traits…
They deeply value independence and take pride in the fact that they can do just about anything they chose to (and they usually choose to do many different kinds of things);
They have an insatiable appetite to grow their knowledge, skills and capabilities (and have a difficult time truly respecting people are satisfied with status quo);
They don't take “no” for an answer, at least not without a struggle or a challenge;
They have extremely high expectations for themselves (and for those around them);
They not only have a sincere interest in making the world a better place, they are actively involved in creating opportunities to do so.
So what's the problem, it sounds great, why is it a curse? Although the competent woman is typically well-respected, she doesn't quite fit in to normal society. I'm kidding…sort of. During the course of her life she has likely experienced some struggle because of the more traditionally masculine traits she exhibits which can be confusing, intimidating, and/or threatening to other women, as well as to men. When not her best in personal relationships, she can be described as some version of both demanding and neglectful. So the curse side of her competence can be imposed either externally, how she is treated by others, or internally, how she treats herself as she manages her addiction-like drive to achieve.
Other than in personal relationships, her competence can become counterproductive in the area of performance expectations. This occurs when her high expectations for herself start to erode her confidence, create anxiety and/or depression, foster other physical dis-ease, or some other version of self-rejection. When the competent woman considers herself more of a “human doing” than a human being, putting more value in her activities than her wholeness, she's in curse territory.
The phrase is intended to be playful. I'm not attempting to create a new, diagnosable syndrome. Part of the problem with many of us with the “curse” is that we take ourselves far too seriously. I'm hoping that the phrase (and the upcoming book) will bring smiles to the faces of the similarly afflicted, enabling all of us to look in the mirror, see the naked reality of who we are, put it in perspective, and continue to do good work while carrying a lighter load.
Click here to take out the survey and find out if you're "cursed"